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the secret is out


Fancy yourself a photographer? Carry a camera to capture a particularly fetching scene for posterity, or at least for Flickr? Have you ever struggled with capturing that elusive, shimmering quality known as desire? Struggled with lighting? Experimented with texture?

Well, I've got the secret trick that will make ALL your images explode with sensual desire!

Step 1: Locate a white female between 18 14 (shhhh) and 25, with a pleasantly shaped mouth.

Step 2: Doll her up with pale pancake makeup, lipliner (make sure we can all see those lips! Really sure!), and any of a range of lipsticks in a gloss finish somewhere between "dewy" and "allergic edema." A course of saline injections may be advisable if your prop's lips normally protrude less than 2cm from her jawline.

Step 3: Frame the mouth in the photograph in close proximity to the object being portrayed. The mouth (not "her" mouth, don't be silly) absolutely must be slack and partway open; any photograph where the prop is smiling, closed or open-mouthed, is wasted. Closed-mouth shots indicate that the prop is actually a corpse, and are quite worthless. For similar reasons, you must include as little of the face as possible -- you'll just have to crop it out later.

Step 4: Take large numbers of shots with the mouth and the object being licked, trailing down the lower lip, caught in the slightly visible teeth. Employ gelatinous textures -- both edible objects such as candy, and inedible objects such as boots, work well -- bright spot lighting, and occasional evidence of wanton untidiness such as a smudge of that lipstick or a most unladylike trail of drool.

And you're done! You have successfully communicated that the subject of your work is interesting, desirable, expensive, or even simply tasty. As this is the only composition that can possibly communicate those qualities, you can congratulate yourself on a job well done, send the proofs off to the content manager, and go back to checking in at your favorite bar on Foursquare.


Fuck you, NYC Fashion Week.


( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 9th, 2010 07:01 am (UTC)
Friggin' word.
Feb. 9th, 2010 01:18 pm (UTC)
Nice... And so frustrating.
Feb. 9th, 2010 06:42 pm (UTC)
Step 1: Locate a white female between 18 (shhhh) and 25, with a pleasantly shaped mouth.

The truth is, that lower limit should be 14, not 18. And 14 is kinda fuzzy.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 9th, 2010 10:53 pm (UTC)

(o hai!)
Apr. 13th, 2011 11:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the information. I think that you should wash your face at least 3 to 4 times a day. You’ll be surprised how much better your face will look.

Nov. 2nd, 2011 05:04 pm (UTC)
What a great resource!

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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